I am 55, married with two sons, an only child to a very domineering father and a holocaust-survivor mother. I work as a psychiatrist. In the last 15 years, I’ve been working as a manager in the medical field. I reached you at the last stage of a long process of seeking help for the difficulties that have been troubling me since my teens. Since adolescence, I have suffered from intense anxiety, which at times, as I realize through the years, was independent of any external circumstance, but rather stemmed from a fear that was related to my own insecurity. I found myself having a constant conflict between my knowledge and being sure of my own opinions on one hand, and the constant need for approval of those around me, on the other. When I met with disagreement, I often felt it was disrespect or lack of love. This need for the approval from others caused an increased feeling of insecurity regarding both my sense of what was good for me and the correct assessment of what goes on around me. I tended to rely on others and to accept their interpretation. I felt weak.
Throughout the years following my army service, I tried conjure confidence through intentions and plans of action. Unfortunately, it seemed like I understood my difficulties better, but was unable to resolve them.
When I was through with my army service, I planned to join a teacher of mine and travel to India with him. My father passed away unexpectedly due to a heart failure after a fierce argument between us, when refusing to approve of my flight. After his death, I gave up my travelling plans and took the studies of medicine in the US. On my return I decided to specialize in psychiatry, hoping to find the validation for my own therapy. From 1986 to 2008 I’ve undergone over ten years of different types of therapy, including psychoanalysis. During that time my understanding of the reasons to my situation grew deeper. I processed many conflicts and understood that many of the difficulties stemmed from my relationship with my father. In many ways I tried to cut loose from him and live my life independently. My situation improved greatly. Nevertheless, I felt I did not complete my therapeutic work. I felt the need to try other therapeutic methods.
This is how I’ve heard about you and your practice..
When your presented your approach in our first meeting, I felt I didn’t really understand what it was about. But your personality and personal and professional knowledge (Buddhism) inspired me to try working with you. I felt your concerns about treating a psychiatrist, but I also felt there were always two therapists – you and me – so together it could work. The process brought me to start believing in myself through my willingness to trust my ability to follow the arising imagery and allow it to lead me on the journey. At times the imagery was very powerful. The dreams I started remembering became very important to me for the first time in my life, and I brought dreams to the sessions. The process was relatively short-term. It was like a final chord for the process that began many years ago.
But what a dramatic cocnlusion!
Eventually, I accepted my father and even felt proud of being his son or perhaps accepted that somehow he continued in me. Working with imagery using relatively few psychological interpretations, opened a new perspective in my work with myself and mainly with my patients.
Yudit, I’d like to thank you for all the help you’ve given me.